First, let me explain Dracula ala LA Fitness. I used to go to Bally Total Fitness, which was bought by LA Fitness. So, now I go to LA Fitness. When the takeover happened, it seems they fired most of the old (and douchey) staff members, in favor for new, young, unsuspecting workers.
Since I now go to the gym about 5 days a week I have began to people watch the people that work/attend the gym. And you could seriously cast a production of Dracula with the people who work/workout at my LA Fitness (it's up to you whether you want it to be a musical or not).
|He wants to suck your blood and sell you a two-year gym membership.|
DISCLAIMER: Although I love Dracula the creepy movie, I highly suggest you read the book sometime. It's a well-written, classic novel. And Frankenstein, too. You might be surprised how they differs from theatrical productions.
Now, let me introduce the cast of characters:
Jonathan Harker: In a story full of many strong characters, Jonathan serves as the first male lead protagonist. He travels to Dracula's castle to give legal aid, is held prisoner, almost is devoured by Dracula's vampire brides, escapes the castle to marry Mina while recovering in Budapest, deals with her susceptible ass being controlled by Dracula and finally kills Dracula in the end, living happily ever with Mina.
|Yes, people. That's Keanu as Jonathan Harker.|
So, what about the Dracula's minion of vampire brides? Well, back in the days of Ballys, it seemed that the "castle" was teeming with oversexed polish twenty-something women that were more interested in flirting with the staff rather than working out. Dave seemed to survive this, mostly staying behind the desk.
HOWEVER, much like Dracula's minion of vampire brides, the gym counterparts tried and tried to get his attention:
1. They wore only sports bras without t-shirts.
2. They wore makeup and perfect hair styles to the gym.
3. They pretended not to know how to "do this machine right" and petition for help.
4. He was saved by Dracula--not necessary for the purest for reasons--by D telling him to get back to work so he himself could flirt with the ladies.
Professor Van Helsing: In the story, Van Helsing is the "vampire hunter" who notices that Lucy, a friend of Jonathan Harker & his fiancee Mina, is becoming a vampire and helps to kill her and ultimately Dracula. He's been around the block, he's seen some horrible things and he's here to fix it and make it right. He also kills Dracula's three vampire brides, leading the charge to kill Dracula himself...
In the LA Fitness rendition of story, this role would be cast by my dear Capricorn. Why? Because Dracula--the most cunning, slippery sales reps and personal trainers Bally's ever employed, who will be described in great detail in Part Two-- is his nemesis. They hated each other from the beginning (Dracula tried to con us into buying a $2,000 membership) and Helsing didn't fall for it and called corporate for a better deal. This action forever forged a deep mutual hatred, and cost Dracula hundreds of dollars in commission. They were forced to travel in the same circles and stomp the same weight rooms in constant disdain for one another, until one day one had to kill the other.
Dracula's Lead Vampire Bride: In the story, Dracula has three vampire brides, with one slightly more "wifey" than the others--think how Holly Madison was Hugh Hefner's main squeeze while Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt played backup.
In the LA Fitness rendition of the story, this role would be cast by my gym nemesis, the over-sexed, over-accessorized, evil woman who likes to steal my favorite elliptical machine.
And she stays on this machine, at an incredibly slow pace for hours (no joke). She's selfish, doesn't look to be getting a very good workout and tacky. I hate tacky. This woman looks to have cheek implants, incredibly long microbraids secured under a neon colored bandana, brightly colored makeup, fake eyelashes and never wears a t-shirt over her sports bra. I despise her.
When we occupy the gym at the same time, it's like high-noon at the OK Corral for this elliptical machine--it allows you to burn in excess of 600 calories in 30 minutes without hurting your joints. And it's the only one in the whole gym--so we rightfully fight for it. That sounds like a Dracula invention if I ever heard of one.
Our fighting started years ago when this woman thought she could "claim" the elliptical machine by placing her head phones and water bottle on the machine and go about her weight-training routine. Oh no, no, no. When she realized I would discard her property to the floor and use the elliptical machine, our hatred was set. She once tried to lure Dave (Jonathan Harker) into kicking me off the machine because she had claimed dibs on it... once I explained that leaving your water bottle on a machine and then prancing around the gym does not constitute property she was pissed and Dave thwarted her attempts at tempting him. Dracula was not there to come to her rescue, and Dave didn't bite.
Our struggle is eternal. And this story is only the beginning... More to come.
|He's watching you. In your house. Right now.|
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