|He wants to suck your blood and sell you a two-year gym membership|
Since I now workout regularly I have began to people watch. You could cast a production of Dracula with the people who work/workout at my LA Fitness (it's up to you whether you want it to be a musical or not).
The characters I didn't include in the first post will be discussed here: Mina and Dracula, himself.
Mina Harker (Murray): Mina is an interesting character, especially in development to the plot and the catalyst for Jonathan's killing of Dracula. She starts out (much like Lucy) sweet and innocent. She then becomes Jonathan Harker's fiancee, taking care of him while he recovers from his escaping Dracula's castle, and then becomes Jonathan's wife as they travel back to England.
Once Dracula learns of the plot to stop him, he visits Mina three times and damning her to become a vampire once she dies from the mysterious "illness" she's caught. Mina realizes she has a telepathic connection to Dracula and uses that advantage to help locate him so he can be killed. Once Dracula is killed, Mina is released from the curse and becomes a healthy human again.
In the LA Fitness rendition of Dracula, this part is played by a relatively new hire--I think her name is Megan--who appears to be Dave's (Jonathan Harker's) girlfriend.
|Oh Winona, before you went cray-cray.|
However, after a long absence of generally good staff morale, I noticed Dracula in the gym the other day. (My blood turned cold when I saw him.) And he was talking to Mina. Leaning over the front desk, propping himself up on one elbow, trying to flirt with her.
I wanted to yell, "Run! Hit him with the card scanning gun and get the hell out of there!"But, I did not... I watched in horror from my elliptical machine. I almost fell off.
She was being "visited" by Dracula, slowly becoming poisoned by his flirtation and risking becoming a blood-sucking vampire. It's only a matter of time before Mina starts her transformation and helps Jonathan Harker and Van Helsing find and kill Dracula, but the anticipation and descend is scary to watch. She looked like she was enjoying his malicious company.
(To be fair, Dracula isn't HORRIBLE to look at. And I can appreciate the aesthetic of an Italian-American man [Capricorn], but he's just not a good guy. You can tell. And ladies, we must run away from such bloodsuckers.)
Dracula: It goes without saying, he is King of the Vampires. He's cold, undead and kills at will and for revenge. Dracula tried to trap Jonathan Harker in his castle and once JH escaped and plotted to kill him, he essentially killed/vampire converted JH's friend Lucy and attempted to vampirize Mina.
He's a bad motherfucker and he knows it. Samuel L. Jackson looks up to him. The Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man in the World has been over for poker and cocktails.
|I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I invite that undead fellow over.|
In the La Fitness Rendition, Dracula is played by a slippery, blood-sucking personal trainer/manager who I will call Antoino.
This bloodsucker was in his heyday when Bally Total Fitness was around, bullying customers into expensive contracts and personal training sessions for his commission pleasure. He's tall, dark eyes and hair, muscular, Italian and speaks fluent douchebag. As I mentioned in Part 1, him and Capricorn (this story's Van Helsing) became fast enemies as Capricorn refused to buy his bullshit and got us a better deal on a gym membership. Hatred forged out of love for money... and cannolis, they are both feisty Italian American men, I'm just trying to paint an accurate picture here, folks.
Dracula (Antoino) tried to lure Jonathan Harker (Dave) and the rest of the personal trainers at the old Bally's into his clutches, promoting poor customer service and high-pressure sales tactics. There was a ton of fooling around at work, like yelling on the PA system and random staff dance parties in the workout rooms.
It must have been a glorious time for him.
So, when Bally's got bought out--and LA Fitness, the new sheriff showed up in town--Dracula was seemingly fired, sent to the bowels of Hell where he belonged. Jonathan Harker escaped Dracula's clutches, kept this job, met Mina and became a valued staff member of the gym.
Things were quiet. Almost too quite.
But, last week something horrible happened. Dracula showed up in the gym. He was shaking hands with new and old staff members, flashing his smug smile and flirting with female gym members. Jonathan Harker was not working that day, but Mina was. And Dracula took note, and spent much time "visiting" with her at the front desk. Oh crap.
In my head I thought, "No. This can't be true!" But outwardly I did nothing but watch the horror unfold and carried on with my cardio workout. He had already started the conversion process and Mina was fucked.
Now, I only wait and watch to see if one of these options pans out: A.) My Van Helsing has an encounter with Dracula and tries to get him fired ("kills" him); or B.) If the story of Dracula comes full circle and Jonathan Harker "kills" Dracula for moving in on his lady. What drama.
So big-shot producers and directors, if you're looking to resurrect the Dracula franchise I suggest you pay a visit to the LA Fitness on Cumberland Ave. in Chicago for your cast. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the high drama and get my workout on in the meantime.
Note: I left Lucy out. She's not distinctive enough to describe. Honestly, because the part demands an innocent girl who is taken advantage of by Dracula and turned into a vampire, she's a dime a dozen at my gym. Dracula can take his pick from many of the new, young girls who now work at the gym. And I'm sure he will make his rounds.
|He's watching you. In your house. Right now.|
Author's Note: Upon posting the first LA Fitness post, I received an anonymous comment I decided not to post that said "You're a fucking loser. I bet you're ugly. Go work out and stop being weird."
I did not post this comment, because in the brief moment I saw it, it hurt my feelings. I backed down.
However, upon reflection: I am not a loser. I'm very pretty, I just don't feel the need to rely on that to have people be interested in me. I am entertaining as all hell and it's a BLOG, dummy! Nor have I ever been a coward, posting things to the internet I couldn't attach my name to. I am weird and I love that. This is who I am. So are the other bloggers and readers who I am privileged enough to have comment on my blog and I read and comment on their blogs. Perhaps you are the one who isn't happy with who are. Troll.
My readers are amazing people,
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